Literally, Linda

Authority and Boss Of Everything
This weekend I went home to Aptos. The smallest gem on the West Coast. Cue the Lights…. My dad and I in the living room around 10 PM.  I on one couch, he on the other. He comes across something with the television remote…. a topic that makes us both screech in excitement and satisfaction… “MERMAIDS ARE REAL: THE BODY FOUND”  I knew it!!!!! WE KNEW IT! All the years of arguing with family members over the table, being laughed at by the public, we were RIGHT- mermaids were real, and a group of scientists who never gave up hope, found a body. My blog tagline immediately changed to “Real Mermaids Have Curves”, I was already checking CNN for statements from Obama.   My dad and I were alarmingly not surprised at all, just eager to learn more.  Almost a “good, now we can focus on the real mystery…whats with their heads and why dont they have hair?”  I stand frozen in front of TV screen. Next thing I know Im in my moms room, I scream to my dad “WHAT CHANNEL!!!!!!!!/??!???!?!?!!!!!!!!” He says “14” or something like that.  I change my mothers television from QVC to The Animal Planet channel… She stares, I stare… Its exactly how I imagine we would gaze into the TV when the news announces aliens have landed. Like in Signs. Mom is Joaquin Phoenix. Im the girl with all the water glasses. Then after about 10 minutes of pure astonishment, I notice that lady isnt even looking at the TV anymore! Homegirl is reading some non-important yoga forum. YOGA CANT BREATHE UNDER WATER!?  The segment is now playing real life footage of the boy  finding the mermaid body washed ashore, on his camera phone. He stumbles up to it, pokes its hand with a stick and WAAAAAA!!!!! A  ugly, fish-he-she , mermaid man reaches out to grab the boys face. Not your everyday Ariel, but hey less competition.  I tell her “MOM ! how arent u enamored by this?!”  She looks at the screen with a puzzled look, it could go two ways…The first way could be a “omg… I cant believe this is happening… this is truly disturbing” or it could go “huh?”  She says “Its fake isnt it”  …………………………………………….A thought that never once came to mind.  Animal Planet doesnt do fake things…….. She googles the title of the program on her laptop, “Pseudo-documentary” she says. “Its like if mermaids existed this is how theyd be, and how the discovery could go”  Who do you think you are Animal Planet? O.J SIMPSON? you cant just say “well if i did it, this is how” but in mermaid discovery terms.  THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF YOURE TAMPERING WITH.  The walk of shame into the living room to break the news to my dad was long, and yes the hallway is long but it was more than that. I didnt want to break his heart.  I tell him its fake, explain what a stupid Pseudo documentary is… “What are are you guys talking about? Give me a break, it was a two hour documentary, I know whats going on here.  Theyre saying its not real because they want to use them for government missions”  ……    ok lets go with that Dad. 

This weekend I went home to Aptos. The smallest gem on the West Coast. Cue the Lights….

My dad and I in the living room around 10 PM. 

I on one couch, he on the other.

He comes across something with the television remote…. a topic that makes us both screech in excitement and satisfaction…

“MERMAIDS ARE REAL: THE BODY FOUND” 

I knew it!!!!! WE KNEW IT! All the years of arguing with family members over the table, being laughed at by the public, we were RIGHT- mermaids were real, and a group of scientists who never gave up hope, found a body. My blog tagline immediately changed to “Real Mermaids Have Curves”, I was already checking CNN for statements from Obama.  

My dad and I were alarmingly not surprised at all, just eager to learn more.  Almost a “good, now we can focus on the real mystery…whats with their heads and why dont they have hair?” 

I stand frozen in front of TV screen. Next thing I know Im in my moms room, I scream to my dad “WHAT CHANNEL!!!!!!!!/??!???!?!?!!!!!!!!” He says “14” or something like that. 

I change my mothers television from QVC to The Animal Planet channel… She stares, I stare…

Its exactly how I imagine we would gaze into the TV when the news announces aliens have landed. Like in Signs. Mom is Joaquin Phoenix. Im the girl with all the water glasses.

Then after about 10 minutes of pure astonishment, I notice that lady isnt even looking at the TV anymore! Homegirl is reading some non-important yoga forum. YOGA CANT BREATHE UNDER WATER!? 

The segment is now playing real life footage of the boy  finding the mermaid body washed ashore, on his camera phone. He stumbles up to it, pokes its hand with a stick and WAAAAAA!!!!! A  ugly, fish-he-she , mermaid man reaches out to grab the boys face. Not your everyday Ariel, but hey less competition. 

I tell her “MOM ! how arent u enamored by this?!” 

She looks at the screen with a puzzled look, it could go two ways…The first way could be a “omg… I cant believe this is happening… this is truly disturbing” or it could go “huh?” 

She says “Its fake isnt it” 

…………………………………………….A thought that never once came to mind. 

Animal Planet doesnt do fake things……..

She googles the title of the program on her laptop, “Pseudo-documentary” she says. “Its like if mermaids existed this is how theyd be, and how the discovery could go” 

Who do you think you are Animal Planet? O.J SIMPSON? you cant just say “well if i did it, this is how” but in mermaid discovery terms. 

THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF YOURE TAMPERING WITH. 

The walk of shame into the living room to break the news to my dad was long, and yes the hallway is long but it was more than that. I didnt want to break his heart. 

I tell him its fake, explain what a stupid Pseudo documentary is…

“What are are you guys talking about? Give me a break, it was a two hour documentary, I know whats going on here.  Theyre saying its not real because they want to use them for government missions” 

……    ok lets go with that Dad. 

  1. literallylinda posted this